Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The perfect response

I had to go for an ultrasound today and was feeling really nervous about it. Part of that nervousness was related to knowing that I would have to tell the Sonographer that my daughter had died, which is not what I was nervous about but rather his response. It was bound to come up since I was there for post-birth issues. I was imagining the sonographer saying 'congratulations' or some such thing and I would have to reply that she had died which would then be followed by an uncomfortable silence because he didn't know what to say. However I needn't have worried as his response was just perfect. He first asked me if I'd had a boy or a girl to which I responded 'a girl' and also jumped right in with 'but she was stillborn'. He responded that he was really sorry to hear that and then rather than staying silent at this point because he was embarrassed or didn't know what to say or was worried that he had upset me, he asked me if I was alright and then continued to ask me questions about all three of my children again, intermittently checking that I was ok. He had a very gentle, caring way about him.

Now I dont want those who love me to be worrying about things they have said to me at all as nobody has said the wrong thing to me (except maybe a nurse in ER but that's ok, I know she meant no harm, but just for the record saying 'well at least you know you can get pregnant' doesn't make me feel any better about my daughters death) but today I didn't expect the perfect response and was pleasantly surprised.

I guess another point I want to make is that this was the perfect response to me. Someone else may not want to talk about their stillborn baby to a stranger but obviously talking about Lola, having her so gently acknowledged as my third child is the right response to me. So many people say that they just dont know what to say and are scared of saying the wrong thing and I guess I dont really have an answer for everyone else but acknowledgment is definately better than no akcnowledgement.

The thing that makes it hard for me to talk about Lola is when I see that flicker of uncomfortableness cross someones eyes when she is mentioned as it makes me feel like they are offended by the mention of her. The logical part of me knows that response is probably more about fear but another part of me, that lioness/ protective mother part of me is hurt that my third child is a taboo subject, sometimes, but not today!


Anonymous said...

Kris I think what you are doing is fantastic. Noone will ever forget Lola, she is a very special part of everyone's hearts, especially her family. She has a fantastic Mum and Dad, Brother and Sister that will make sure that she is loved and remembered always.
Love to you all x x

Bri said...

What a thoughtful and considerate man that sonographer was.

I have been thinking about Lola and your family a lot since I found your blog. I was thinking what a perfect name Constance was as one of her middle names, as she will be constantly with you...

I will also never look at Charlie&Lola again without thinking of your Lola.

I hope your 'after birth' health issues are sorted out soon.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a lovely man. It's always reassuring to know that there are sensitive caregivers out there. I hope your ultrasound was all good, by the way.

I think it's fantastic that you're blogging Kristalee because it helps not just people who know you, but people who may know others in a similar situation, to realise how things are from your point of view. Your honesty will help a lot of people I think.