I stopped writting for a few days there as I didn't want this to be a big whingefest of a blog and well I havn't been great of late. Last night however I was thinking about what this blog is really about and it is suppose to be an outlet for what is happening with me so in the interest of being honest in this journey I have decided to blog anyway.
One thing I have noticed is that my emotional state is inextricably linked to my physical health. As you may have noticed my physical health has not been great due to an infection caused by left over placenta. This has left me feeling tired and tender and like I am not coping. Millie and Jackson are both unwell at the moment as well which is sending my anxiety through the roof. I spent a few hours last night with my heart in my mouth sitting by Jackson's bed trying to think if an earache could be fatal until Brendon came home with the Nurofen. Half an hour later Jackson was sound asleep. I hate this new feeling of being so completely aware of how fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away, I wish I could go back to being the mum that worried when my kids were sick but didn't instantly start stressing out that they might die. I hope that this eases over time.
My missing of Lola is still so strong and raw, maybe even more so seven weeks later. I still find it hard to believe that I was so close to having my baby in my arms and now she is gone. However despite this I have still found reasons to smile.
Reasons to smile today -
Walking in to Millie's room this morning to get her out of her cot and finding Jackson in there with her.
Watching Jackson trying to do 'the twist' with the wiggles.
My Lovely friend ringing me to check we survived 'THE EARACHE'.
What has made you smile today? Share in the comments section, it might make me smile too!