Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I stopped writting for a few days there as I didn't want this to be a big whingefest of a blog and well I havn't been great of late. Last night however I was thinking about what this blog is really about and it is suppose to be an outlet for what is happening with me so in the interest of being honest in this journey I have decided to blog anyway.

One thing I have noticed is that my emotional state is inextricably linked to my physical health. As you may have noticed my physical health has not been great due to an infection caused by left over placenta. This has left me feeling tired and tender and like I am not coping. Millie and Jackson are both unwell at the moment as well which is sending my anxiety through the roof. I spent a few hours last night with my heart in my mouth sitting by Jackson's bed trying to think if an earache could be fatal until Brendon came home with the Nurofen. Half an hour later Jackson was sound asleep. I hate this new feeling of being so completely aware of how fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away, I wish I could go back to being the mum that worried when my kids were sick but didn't instantly start stressing out that they might die. I hope that this eases over time.

My missing of Lola is still so strong and raw, maybe even more so seven weeks later. I still find it hard to believe that I was so close to having my baby in my arms and now she is gone. However despite this I have still found reasons to smile.

Reasons to smile today -

Walking in to Millie's room this morning to get her out of her cot and finding Jackson in there with her.
Watching Jackson trying to do 'the twist' with the wiggles.
My Lovely friend ringing me to check we survived 'THE EARACHE'.

What has made you smile today? Share in the comments section, it might make me smile too!


carly_grace said...

tuesday has just started so il give you one from yesterday - eating an entire block of chocolate and convincingly hiding until boyfriend saw my tweets. bugger. :)

Davina said...

Oh how about the fact that I made sticky date puddings last night and I have a three day stash of them so I know as soon as the kids are in bed we can go to sticky date heaven??? Is it wrong to always revolve around food :)

Watching Ebbie give her little friend a cuddle on the matt as they were saying goodbye at school this morning. :)

onesmallchicken said...

ah haaaa...here's the "comment" bit...i've obviously been looking for it with my eyes closed!

Here's something that made me laugh out loud today and hopefully you will too. I was lying with Elliott while he did his usual Irish dancing all over me and then he scooted himself around so his bum was perfectly aligned with my face and he waited til the perfect moment (my mouth being open) to let one rip IN MY MOUTH MAN!!! Oh it made me laugh so....little bugger.

On a serious note...

Your life has been turned upside down my friend and you are a changed woman forever now, as i am too. I can empathise with your feeling of awareness of their fragile lives, it's not fun hey? They've been hard and lengthy feelings for me to bear but those horrible ( & somethimes irrational) thoughts have subsided...as i'm sure they will for you too. With want of a better term.. hang in there Darlin, there may not be an end but there will be light.


Kristalee said...

Ooh thanks lovely ladies, you have all made me laugh!
Carly_Grace - I did the food shop today and have hidden the choc from my hubby, actually it's hidden in my belly as we speak!
D I am impressed that you made sticky date, I made it once when I was nannying and it took FOREVER!
Liv that would have been a priceless moment! I can just imagine it.
Thanks for giving me hope that those feelings will subside. So want to catch up with you but will wait till my lot are no longer all germy!

MadMel said...

hugs to you.

Today I have smiled when...

I got up at 3am to find my Jaidan, half asleep, trying to pour a drink of water in the dark... spilling it all over the table.

I got woken up at 7.30, not by my alarm but my Ashton giving me kisses and laying on my head.

Chase discovered that Ash had pooped, and went and grabbed a magicall and a wet washer for me to change him, all on his own.

Gotta love the cute things they do!